"Lost Soul"
By Kylie Mclane
"Lost Soul"
By Kylie McLane
“It’s a Boy!” I yell, crying tears of joy. Makai is jumping to NBA record heights as every one of Makai and I’s family and friends are cheering. Who knew that a balloon filled with blue powder could change a life. Right in front of my childhood home is the start of a new childhood. Mom approached me and I knew what wasn’t coming. “Congratulations honey, you’ll be a great mom,” will be the last thing I hear out of my mom. Instead I hear “So how do you plan on paying to feed your baby when you work on the Boardwalk at Teddy’s and Makai works at the surf shop, Sage?” How could she be so ignorant? I just found out that I’m having a baby boy with the love of my life. Yes, I know I’m only 20 but, that doesn’t mean I’m going to be a bad mom. I can’t hold it in any longer, she has to hear this from someone.
“Mom, I need to ask you a question. Why can’t you ever be happy for me? You did the exact same thing a few months ago at the wedding. We turned out fine didn’t we? We have an apartment and we have enough money to pay the rent and feed ourselves and Charlie. We’re going to be okay, I promise.”
“You’ll see what I mean once he’s born, Sage. You’re too young for all of this. I just don’t get you. You used to be my good, little girl, now look at you. I just hope this all works out the way you think it is. I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed sweetie.” That’s when my heart dropped. I had to get away from the craziness. As I try to reach the front door, I’m flooded with “Congratulations” and “I’m so happy for you, Sage”.
I just need some peace with Charlie. “Charlie! Come here boy!” I exclaim. From the corner of my eye, I see a huge mound of gold bolting towards me. The happiest nine-year-old golden retriever I’ve ever seen was sitting right in front of me, waiting for his next command. I plopped on the couch and he hopped up on my lap like he was a puppy again. Petting him brought me back to the first time I met Makai. The day I met him at the surf shop, I came home and told Charlie all about the super quirky guy. I had only spent a few minutes with Charlie before Makai came through the front door.
“What’s wrong, Sage? Is it your mom again?” he asked, concerned. He already knew that was the issue because he’s been a victim too.
“She’s just trying to get in my head again, and I think she’s succeeding this time, Makai.” I reply.
“You know she’s just worried and I’m not saying it’s okay that she displays it in this way, but you know she loves you.” Makai explains, trying to lift my spirits. I always feel bad talking about how Mom treats me because of what happened to his. I decided I should just shut my mouth and get over it. I’ve dealt with it my whole life, I can deal with it now.
I get off of the couch and out the front door and I hear six footsteps against the polished hard wood floor following me. Two belong to Makai and four belong to Charlie.
After the party, Makai and I load the car with the folding tables and chairs so we can head home with Charlie. I can’t even process that in eight months, there will be another life in this car. Before we leave, I give Mom a hug despite the conflict we had. Next was Makai’s turn to hug his mother in law. It hurt that he hugs her so passionately and she acts likes he carries a deadly, contagious disease.
When we pull in the parking garage, I feel a rush of relief because we’re finally home. 1050 Frederick St, Venice, CA 90291 apartment #022EA1 is my favorite place on Earth except for Venice Beach. When we walk into the lobby, and are greeted Renada, the clerk. Makai and I lugged the tables and chairs into the apartment, shut the door and throw ourselves onto the couch. Our eclipse shades are sitting on the breakfast bar next to the succulent from Ikea that I couldn’t leave the store without. It’s too bad that Makai and I couldn’t experience it with Isaiah. He’ll hopefully be able to experience the next one in 2024, but right now it’s just time to think about how great tomorrow will be. It’s so crazy that there’s going to be a total solar eclipse right in our home town. “You got the day off tomorrow right?” I ask Makai.
“Of course, I couldn’t miss this once in a life time opportunity,” he replied. “In fact, I thought maybe you’d like to go to the beach and surf during totality.” Now that’s an opportunity that I’d never pass up. “That’d be perfect!” I exclaimed.
It’s 4 in the morning and I’m still up. I don’t want to wake Makai, so I guess I’ll just sit and wait until sunrise. I grab for my phone and click the home button to reveal the picture of Makai hugging Charlie when we adopted him. I get onto Snapchat and read every single article I’m subscribed to and send a few of them to Elle, my best friend of 18 years. I obviously wasn’t expecting an immediate response so I do what any young adult does when they need to pass time, watch Netflix. Right now, I’m completely absorbed in “Lie to Me” but Makai’s convinced I’ll only get through the second season and then forget about it. I will do everything in my power to prove him wrong.
The next thing I know, the birds are chirping. The only plus was seeing the golden sunrise shining through the huge master bedroom window. Makai’s alarm goes off at eight o’clock sharp and instantly a rush of enthusiasm flows through me. He sits up and I can tell that a cup of coffee will be crucial this morning. He just had that groggy look that let me know he’d need an extra boost today. As I spring out of bed to make two cups of coffee and give Charlie food and water, Makai manages to roll out of bed and head toward his closet. When I head to the kitchen, I glance again at our eclipse glasses. Today is the day! After I pour Charlie’s food and water into the bowls, I throw the coffee beans into the grinder. Since Makai usually makes breakfast, I finish up the two cups of coffee and set them on the breakfast bar.
I lay on the couch and pick up “Before I Go” by Colleen Oakley and the next thing I know, I smell the savory scent of bacon. Don't go crazy, Sage. Don't go crazy. It’s. Just. Bacon. I lay my book down and head towards the table. I was greeted by a delicious breakfast. “Thank you, Makai. I love you.”
“I love you too, beautiful,” he replies.
Finally, it was time to go to the beach. Makai and I loaded up our beach bag, surfboards, surf suits, and of course, our eclipse glasses into the black 2012 Toyota Yaris. I felt horrible because this is the first time we left Charlie at home while we went to the beach and today he was so excited to go. The look in his eyes was just so confused and disappointed. I erased the image out of my mind and hopped in the passengers seat. I plugged the aux cord into my phone and played the Ultimate Indie playlist on Spotify.
Eventually, we reach Venice Beach. My number one happy place on Earth. People were crowding on the sand like it was Times Square on New Years Eve. We lugged everything out of the car and slipped on our surf suits. Next, we pulled our surf boards out of the car and headed toward the sand. It’s currently 8:58. Seven minutes until everyone on this beach experiences a once in a lifetime phenomenon.
I decide to take it all in. The hushed excitement, the crashing of the waves, the sun beating down on our faces. This was a crazy coincidence. We’re experiencing a partial solar eclipse right here in town. Before I know it, the temperature starts dropping. I look around and everybody’s scurrying around like mice after a food festival. I look over at Makai and he already has his glasses on. I check my phone, it’s 9:06. I slip on my glasses and watch as the tiny chunk of Moon covering the Sun gradually becomes bigger. I realize that in 10 minutes, Makai and I will be out in the ocean, but for right now, I’m just trying to let it sink in. The residents of Venice and LA all have one common interest and it brought us all together. I take off my glasses and look around. Everything looks so eerie. The shadows are sharper and the sky holds an orange hue. A 360 degree sunset.
The 10 minutes passed all too quickly. I was ecstatic to ride the waves though. Makai and I exchanged glances and threw our glasses in the beach bag. We headed toward the salty water and didn't look back.
I walked my surf board into waist deep water and started paddling. I look back and Makai was trailing behind me. I have to keep paddling because the waves are still breaking too soon back here. Suddenly, I spot a wave. “Mine,” I exclaim towards Makai. I didn't hear a response so I assumed he wasn't going to take it. I sit upright on the board and paddle. I jump up on my board and get ready to catch the huge wave. Since the eclipse brought spring tides, the waves were extra rough today. As the wave heads towards me, I hear a loud, deep cry. My heart dropped. It had to be Makai. I look back and realize that when I turn my head, it wouldn't freeze time.
The next thing I know, I'm under the wave and my head is crashing back and forth. I grasp onto my surf board and pull myself up onto it. I look around. No sight of Makai. His board is floating about 15 feet away from me. “Makai!” I screech. Nothing.
I paddle towards his board. “Makai, where are you?” I scream again. I feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I needed to paddle back quick and tell a lifeguard. This is the worst thing that could’ve possibly happened.
When I get back to shore, I spring towards the male lifeguard in the stereotypical red shorts. “Sir, Sir!” I exclaim, trying to get his attention.
“Yes?” he replies with only a twinge of concern in his voice.
“My husband! We were surfing and I think he accidentally caught the same wave as me. He didn't come back up.” I shouted urgently. I pointed in the direction of where the wave was and spotted the board. Without another word, he was in the water. Pushing through crashing waves and sand beneath his feet. I watched as he wrapped his arm around the board and looked along the surface of the water. There must’ve been no sight of him because his next plan was to dive under and find him. He kept popping his head up for air but after a few minutes, he didn't go back under. He stopped searching. He stopped searching for my husband. The father of my son could be down there and he stopped looking. What if Isaiah doesn't know his father? What will he say when the kids at school ask about his dad and he didn’t even know he was supposed to have one? When would he find out? As I’m pondering over this morbid thought, the stupid, careless lifeguard comes back to shore. “I’m sorry, I looked and I couldn't find him,” the ignorant lifeguard apologized.
“What do you mean ‘I couldn’t find him’? You only looked for five minutes!” I yell in response. I run towards the beach bag and scoop it up. I can’t stay here. I have to go home. It’s been eight minutes. Even if they did find him he’d be… No. No! Don’t think like that, Sage. But how can I not? I’ve just lost my lifelong best friend.
As I open the door to the apartment, Charlie rushes at me. I can’t help but walk right past him and shut the door. He searches for Makai and sniffs me up and down. He knows something is wrong. I sit on the couch and completely break. I was the reason he died. I should’ve been louder when I told him it was my wave. That’s the reason he isn’t alive. I just ruined my own life. I can’t tell anybody what happened or they’ll blame me just as much as I blame myself. People are going to find out that he died, and what am I going to tell them? I hear my phone buzz. I look over and my heart drops. It’s Mom. That’s the last thing I need. All she does is put me down but she is my mother. I swipe to answer. “Hello?” I greet her.
“Hi, honey. How are you?” she asks.
“Fine,” I reply, my voice cracking and trembling.
“Have you been crying?”
“No. Why would I be crying?” I don't even know why I tried lying to her. I knew she would know.
“Yes, you have been, Sage. What’s wrong?”
“Makai is dead,” I say and immediately hang up. My phone starts blowing up with text messages.
MOM: WHAT???
MOM: Honey, call me back
ME: I can’t
MOM: This isn’t funny, Sage
ME: Mom, I’m not kidding
MOM: I’ll be right over
Around fifteen minutes later, I hear a knock on the door. Although I was hoping for Makai, I knew it was my mom waiting on the other side. I timidly open the door. I can feel tears trickling down my face and Mom barrels in the apartment, greeting me with a hug. We sat down on the couch simultaneously and made eye contact.
“You have to talk to me, baby” Mom said, trying to comfort me.
“Mom, it was all my fault,” I say. I can’t even bear to say what happened.
“Whatever happened wasn’t your fault, Sage,” she responded.
“Yes it was, Mom.”
“What was it?”
“Mom…”
“What, honey?”
“I can’t even begin to tell you.”
“When did it happen?”
“During the eclipse.”
She looked clueless, but that’s how I want it to stay. Now we’re going to have to plan a funeral and everyone will have to know. There’s no avoiding that.
“So what is your next step, Sage?” she asked curiously.
“I guess we’ll have to plan for the funeral,” I respond, sobbing.
“I’ll help with the money and planning, sweetheart”
“But Mom, you're working a part-time job and living off of Dad’s social security.”
“We’ll make this work, he deserves it.”
“He’s gone, Mom,” I start to sob again and put my head in her lap.
I wake up at six in the morning, sweating and panting. I had a dream about him. I roll over to receive comfort to Makai, only to find myself rolling around in an empty bed. I decide to get up but I had to stop myself from making two cups of coffee. Everything that I do reminded me of him. He was a daily part of my life. I have to believe that Charlie understands what happened because he showered me with extra love this morning.
As I drive to Teddy’s, I think about how I’ll tell Isaiah or if I will. Hopefully by then, I’ll be okay. Obviously not emotionally, but I’ll be physically okay enough to tell the story. As I pull into the parking lot of Teddy’s, I get a text from Jonah, the owner of the surf shop down the boardwalk, where Makai used to work.
JONAH: Where’s Makai?
ME: He can’t come in today, I’ll explain later. gtg
JONAH: Uhh… okay?
I turn off my phone and try to focus on work. I feel a knot in my throat and I swallow hard as the first customer walks in.
Getting sent home from work because you broke down in front of a customer named Isaiah is nit the way you want to get sent home. I guess now would be the time to tell Jonah why Makai is “absent”. I walk down the boardwalk, head hanging low. I walk into the surf shop and immediately break down again. This is where we met. Who would’ve thought his passion would be the death of him. Pretty ironic. Jonah takes me to the back and asks the same questions Mom asked: where he was, what happened to him, and what the next step would be. Of course I could only answer the first and third questions. Maybe I wouldn't ever be ready to tell everyone the truth.
I left the surf shop as soon as I could and went back home to cry and hug Charlie. Pathetic right? But what else was I going to do? I texted Mom and asked if she would research funeral homes in Venice. Luckily, she found FRIENDS Funeral Home and we started the depressing process of planning the funeral. The website was strangely bright and lighthearted. Weird. She booked it for Thursday, August 24, 2017. I guess that means it’s time to make the… “invitations”? How would you be able to get the word out without one? Who would we put on the guest list? My immediate family, his immediate family, and our friends I guess. I’ve never had to do anything like this before, so Mom took control. She’s been in the exact same position. When Dad died, I was only 3 and she had to do this by herself.
Thursday, August 24th
I wake up and know exactly what’s in store for me. All week, I’ve been getting concerned and confused phone calls, but they're always the same questions and they always receive the same answers. I get dressed in a lace top, black dress and get my hair ready. I’m pretty confident that if I do my makeup now, I’ll have to redo it five times throughout the day. I check my phone and see three consecutive texts from Mom.
MOM: Good morning sweetie, try to make it through today
MOM: Sage? Are you okay?
MOM: Talk to me
How does she expect me to respond to that? Of course I’m not okay. I can’t tell her that though because she’s been in this position too but with no help.
ME: Hi Mom. I’m fine. Don't worry.
The water works came through again, and I knew I wouldn't be able to make it through the eulogy I had prepared for tonight.
When the funeral starts, we all start in prayer. Makai’s sister, Mallory, is singing and trying to hold it together. When she steps off of the stage, I hug her as I walk onto it. I start the eulogy, but I couldn't finish it. I was short of breath and my knees were shaking. I can’t continue. But I have to. For Mom. For Isaiah. For Charlie. I must stay strong.
Monday, August 27, 2022
As I see Isaiah get off the bus, I drop to my knees as he runs to hug me. It’s our thing. “I love you, Mommy,” he exclaims.
“I love you too, baby. How was school?” I ask passionately.
“I can’t WAIT to tell you everything!” he raises his hands in the air, like he just won the lottery. I can’t help but see Makai all throughout him. He has his eyes, his personality, and his smile.
As we walk into the apartment, Isaiah begs to pray. He loves church and some of the little girls there too. He always has something crazy to pray about. Today, he prayed that I would let him have five cookies and that all of the elephants are happy. He never heard my prayer but if I said mine out loud every day, he would memorize it. It goes like this: “Dear God, please help me find the strength to tell Isaiah about how similar he is to his father. Allow me to show Makai’s love for Isaiah through me. I know You and him are watching over us. Amen.”
By Kylie McLane
“It’s a Boy!” I yell, crying tears of joy. Makai is jumping to NBA record heights as every one of Makai and I’s family and friends are cheering. Who knew that a balloon filled with blue powder could change a life. Right in front of my childhood home is the start of a new childhood. Mom approached me and I knew what wasn’t coming. “Congratulations honey, you’ll be a great mom,” will be the last thing I hear out of my mom. Instead I hear “So how do you plan on paying to feed your baby when you work on the Boardwalk at Teddy’s and Makai works at the surf shop, Sage?” How could she be so ignorant? I just found out that I’m having a baby boy with the love of my life. Yes, I know I’m only 20 but, that doesn’t mean I’m going to be a bad mom. I can’t hold it in any longer, she has to hear this from someone.
“Mom, I need to ask you a question. Why can’t you ever be happy for me? You did the exact same thing a few months ago at the wedding. We turned out fine didn’t we? We have an apartment and we have enough money to pay the rent and feed ourselves and Charlie. We’re going to be okay, I promise.”
“You’ll see what I mean once he’s born, Sage. You’re too young for all of this. I just don’t get you. You used to be my good, little girl, now look at you. I just hope this all works out the way you think it is. I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed sweetie.” That’s when my heart dropped. I had to get away from the craziness. As I try to reach the front door, I’m flooded with “Congratulations” and “I’m so happy for you, Sage”.
I just need some peace with Charlie. “Charlie! Come here boy!” I exclaim. From the corner of my eye, I see a huge mound of gold bolting towards me. The happiest nine-year-old golden retriever I’ve ever seen was sitting right in front of me, waiting for his next command. I plopped on the couch and he hopped up on my lap like he was a puppy again. Petting him brought me back to the first time I met Makai. The day I met him at the surf shop, I came home and told Charlie all about the super quirky guy. I had only spent a few minutes with Charlie before Makai came through the front door.
“What’s wrong, Sage? Is it your mom again?” he asked, concerned. He already knew that was the issue because he’s been a victim too.
“She’s just trying to get in my head again, and I think she’s succeeding this time, Makai.” I reply.
“You know she’s just worried and I’m not saying it’s okay that she displays it in this way, but you know she loves you.” Makai explains, trying to lift my spirits. I always feel bad talking about how Mom treats me because of what happened to his. I decided I should just shut my mouth and get over it. I’ve dealt with it my whole life, I can deal with it now.
I get off of the couch and out the front door and I hear six footsteps against the polished hard wood floor following me. Two belong to Makai and four belong to Charlie.
After the party, Makai and I load the car with the folding tables and chairs so we can head home with Charlie. I can’t even process that in eight months, there will be another life in this car. Before we leave, I give Mom a hug despite the conflict we had. Next was Makai’s turn to hug his mother in law. It hurt that he hugs her so passionately and she acts likes he carries a deadly, contagious disease.
When we pull in the parking garage, I feel a rush of relief because we’re finally home. 1050 Frederick St, Venice, CA 90291 apartment #022EA1 is my favorite place on Earth except for Venice Beach. When we walk into the lobby, and are greeted Renada, the clerk. Makai and I lugged the tables and chairs into the apartment, shut the door and throw ourselves onto the couch. Our eclipse shades are sitting on the breakfast bar next to the succulent from Ikea that I couldn’t leave the store without. It’s too bad that Makai and I couldn’t experience it with Isaiah. He’ll hopefully be able to experience the next one in 2024, but right now it’s just time to think about how great tomorrow will be. It’s so crazy that there’s going to be a total solar eclipse right in our home town. “You got the day off tomorrow right?” I ask Makai.
“Of course, I couldn’t miss this once in a life time opportunity,” he replied. “In fact, I thought maybe you’d like to go to the beach and surf during totality.” Now that’s an opportunity that I’d never pass up. “That’d be perfect!” I exclaimed.
It’s 4 in the morning and I’m still up. I don’t want to wake Makai, so I guess I’ll just sit and wait until sunrise. I grab for my phone and click the home button to reveal the picture of Makai hugging Charlie when we adopted him. I get onto Snapchat and read every single article I’m subscribed to and send a few of them to Elle, my best friend of 18 years. I obviously wasn’t expecting an immediate response so I do what any young adult does when they need to pass time, watch Netflix. Right now, I’m completely absorbed in “Lie to Me” but Makai’s convinced I’ll only get through the second season and then forget about it. I will do everything in my power to prove him wrong.
The next thing I know, the birds are chirping. The only plus was seeing the golden sunrise shining through the huge master bedroom window. Makai’s alarm goes off at eight o’clock sharp and instantly a rush of enthusiasm flows through me. He sits up and I can tell that a cup of coffee will be crucial this morning. He just had that groggy look that let me know he’d need an extra boost today. As I spring out of bed to make two cups of coffee and give Charlie food and water, Makai manages to roll out of bed and head toward his closet. When I head to the kitchen, I glance again at our eclipse glasses. Today is the day! After I pour Charlie’s food and water into the bowls, I throw the coffee beans into the grinder. Since Makai usually makes breakfast, I finish up the two cups of coffee and set them on the breakfast bar.
I lay on the couch and pick up “Before I Go” by Colleen Oakley and the next thing I know, I smell the savory scent of bacon. Don't go crazy, Sage. Don't go crazy. It’s. Just. Bacon. I lay my book down and head towards the table. I was greeted by a delicious breakfast. “Thank you, Makai. I love you.”
“I love you too, beautiful,” he replies.
Finally, it was time to go to the beach. Makai and I loaded up our beach bag, surfboards, surf suits, and of course, our eclipse glasses into the black 2012 Toyota Yaris. I felt horrible because this is the first time we left Charlie at home while we went to the beach and today he was so excited to go. The look in his eyes was just so confused and disappointed. I erased the image out of my mind and hopped in the passengers seat. I plugged the aux cord into my phone and played the Ultimate Indie playlist on Spotify.
Eventually, we reach Venice Beach. My number one happy place on Earth. People were crowding on the sand like it was Times Square on New Years Eve. We lugged everything out of the car and slipped on our surf suits. Next, we pulled our surf boards out of the car and headed toward the sand. It’s currently 8:58. Seven minutes until everyone on this beach experiences a once in a lifetime phenomenon.
I decide to take it all in. The hushed excitement, the crashing of the waves, the sun beating down on our faces. This was a crazy coincidence. We’re experiencing a partial solar eclipse right here in town. Before I know it, the temperature starts dropping. I look around and everybody’s scurrying around like mice after a food festival. I look over at Makai and he already has his glasses on. I check my phone, it’s 9:06. I slip on my glasses and watch as the tiny chunk of Moon covering the Sun gradually becomes bigger. I realize that in 10 minutes, Makai and I will be out in the ocean, but for right now, I’m just trying to let it sink in. The residents of Venice and LA all have one common interest and it brought us all together. I take off my glasses and look around. Everything looks so eerie. The shadows are sharper and the sky holds an orange hue. A 360 degree sunset.
The 10 minutes passed all too quickly. I was ecstatic to ride the waves though. Makai and I exchanged glances and threw our glasses in the beach bag. We headed toward the salty water and didn't look back.
I walked my surf board into waist deep water and started paddling. I look back and Makai was trailing behind me. I have to keep paddling because the waves are still breaking too soon back here. Suddenly, I spot a wave. “Mine,” I exclaim towards Makai. I didn't hear a response so I assumed he wasn't going to take it. I sit upright on the board and paddle. I jump up on my board and get ready to catch the huge wave. Since the eclipse brought spring tides, the waves were extra rough today. As the wave heads towards me, I hear a loud, deep cry. My heart dropped. It had to be Makai. I look back and realize that when I turn my head, it wouldn't freeze time.
The next thing I know, I'm under the wave and my head is crashing back and forth. I grasp onto my surf board and pull myself up onto it. I look around. No sight of Makai. His board is floating about 15 feet away from me. “Makai!” I screech. Nothing.
I paddle towards his board. “Makai, where are you?” I scream again. I feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I needed to paddle back quick and tell a lifeguard. This is the worst thing that could’ve possibly happened.
When I get back to shore, I spring towards the male lifeguard in the stereotypical red shorts. “Sir, Sir!” I exclaim, trying to get his attention.
“Yes?” he replies with only a twinge of concern in his voice.
“My husband! We were surfing and I think he accidentally caught the same wave as me. He didn't come back up.” I shouted urgently. I pointed in the direction of where the wave was and spotted the board. Without another word, he was in the water. Pushing through crashing waves and sand beneath his feet. I watched as he wrapped his arm around the board and looked along the surface of the water. There must’ve been no sight of him because his next plan was to dive under and find him. He kept popping his head up for air but after a few minutes, he didn't go back under. He stopped searching. He stopped searching for my husband. The father of my son could be down there and he stopped looking. What if Isaiah doesn't know his father? What will he say when the kids at school ask about his dad and he didn’t even know he was supposed to have one? When would he find out? As I’m pondering over this morbid thought, the stupid, careless lifeguard comes back to shore. “I’m sorry, I looked and I couldn't find him,” the ignorant lifeguard apologized.
“What do you mean ‘I couldn’t find him’? You only looked for five minutes!” I yell in response. I run towards the beach bag and scoop it up. I can’t stay here. I have to go home. It’s been eight minutes. Even if they did find him he’d be… No. No! Don’t think like that, Sage. But how can I not? I’ve just lost my lifelong best friend.
As I open the door to the apartment, Charlie rushes at me. I can’t help but walk right past him and shut the door. He searches for Makai and sniffs me up and down. He knows something is wrong. I sit on the couch and completely break. I was the reason he died. I should’ve been louder when I told him it was my wave. That’s the reason he isn’t alive. I just ruined my own life. I can’t tell anybody what happened or they’ll blame me just as much as I blame myself. People are going to find out that he died, and what am I going to tell them? I hear my phone buzz. I look over and my heart drops. It’s Mom. That’s the last thing I need. All she does is put me down but she is my mother. I swipe to answer. “Hello?” I greet her.
“Hi, honey. How are you?” she asks.
“Fine,” I reply, my voice cracking and trembling.
“Have you been crying?”
“No. Why would I be crying?” I don't even know why I tried lying to her. I knew she would know.
“Yes, you have been, Sage. What’s wrong?”
“Makai is dead,” I say and immediately hang up. My phone starts blowing up with text messages.
MOM: WHAT???
MOM: Honey, call me back
ME: I can’t
MOM: This isn’t funny, Sage
ME: Mom, I’m not kidding
MOM: I’ll be right over
Around fifteen minutes later, I hear a knock on the door. Although I was hoping for Makai, I knew it was my mom waiting on the other side. I timidly open the door. I can feel tears trickling down my face and Mom barrels in the apartment, greeting me with a hug. We sat down on the couch simultaneously and made eye contact.
“You have to talk to me, baby” Mom said, trying to comfort me.
“Mom, it was all my fault,” I say. I can’t even bear to say what happened.
“Whatever happened wasn’t your fault, Sage,” she responded.
“Yes it was, Mom.”
“What was it?”
“Mom…”
“What, honey?”
“I can’t even begin to tell you.”
“When did it happen?”
“During the eclipse.”
She looked clueless, but that’s how I want it to stay. Now we’re going to have to plan a funeral and everyone will have to know. There’s no avoiding that.
“So what is your next step, Sage?” she asked curiously.
“I guess we’ll have to plan for the funeral,” I respond, sobbing.
“I’ll help with the money and planning, sweetheart”
“But Mom, you're working a part-time job and living off of Dad’s social security.”
“We’ll make this work, he deserves it.”
“He’s gone, Mom,” I start to sob again and put my head in her lap.
I wake up at six in the morning, sweating and panting. I had a dream about him. I roll over to receive comfort to Makai, only to find myself rolling around in an empty bed. I decide to get up but I had to stop myself from making two cups of coffee. Everything that I do reminded me of him. He was a daily part of my life. I have to believe that Charlie understands what happened because he showered me with extra love this morning.
As I drive to Teddy’s, I think about how I’ll tell Isaiah or if I will. Hopefully by then, I’ll be okay. Obviously not emotionally, but I’ll be physically okay enough to tell the story. As I pull into the parking lot of Teddy’s, I get a text from Jonah, the owner of the surf shop down the boardwalk, where Makai used to work.
JONAH: Where’s Makai?
ME: He can’t come in today, I’ll explain later. gtg
JONAH: Uhh… okay?
I turn off my phone and try to focus on work. I feel a knot in my throat and I swallow hard as the first customer walks in.
Getting sent home from work because you broke down in front of a customer named Isaiah is nit the way you want to get sent home. I guess now would be the time to tell Jonah why Makai is “absent”. I walk down the boardwalk, head hanging low. I walk into the surf shop and immediately break down again. This is where we met. Who would’ve thought his passion would be the death of him. Pretty ironic. Jonah takes me to the back and asks the same questions Mom asked: where he was, what happened to him, and what the next step would be. Of course I could only answer the first and third questions. Maybe I wouldn't ever be ready to tell everyone the truth.
I left the surf shop as soon as I could and went back home to cry and hug Charlie. Pathetic right? But what else was I going to do? I texted Mom and asked if she would research funeral homes in Venice. Luckily, she found FRIENDS Funeral Home and we started the depressing process of planning the funeral. The website was strangely bright and lighthearted. Weird. She booked it for Thursday, August 24, 2017. I guess that means it’s time to make the… “invitations”? How would you be able to get the word out without one? Who would we put on the guest list? My immediate family, his immediate family, and our friends I guess. I’ve never had to do anything like this before, so Mom took control. She’s been in the exact same position. When Dad died, I was only 3 and she had to do this by herself.
Thursday, August 24th
I wake up and know exactly what’s in store for me. All week, I’ve been getting concerned and confused phone calls, but they're always the same questions and they always receive the same answers. I get dressed in a lace top, black dress and get my hair ready. I’m pretty confident that if I do my makeup now, I’ll have to redo it five times throughout the day. I check my phone and see three consecutive texts from Mom.
MOM: Good morning sweetie, try to make it through today
MOM: Sage? Are you okay?
MOM: Talk to me
How does she expect me to respond to that? Of course I’m not okay. I can’t tell her that though because she’s been in this position too but with no help.
ME: Hi Mom. I’m fine. Don't worry.
The water works came through again, and I knew I wouldn't be able to make it through the eulogy I had prepared for tonight.
When the funeral starts, we all start in prayer. Makai’s sister, Mallory, is singing and trying to hold it together. When she steps off of the stage, I hug her as I walk onto it. I start the eulogy, but I couldn't finish it. I was short of breath and my knees were shaking. I can’t continue. But I have to. For Mom. For Isaiah. For Charlie. I must stay strong.
Monday, August 27, 2022
As I see Isaiah get off the bus, I drop to my knees as he runs to hug me. It’s our thing. “I love you, Mommy,” he exclaims.
“I love you too, baby. How was school?” I ask passionately.
“I can’t WAIT to tell you everything!” he raises his hands in the air, like he just won the lottery. I can’t help but see Makai all throughout him. He has his eyes, his personality, and his smile.
As we walk into the apartment, Isaiah begs to pray. He loves church and some of the little girls there too. He always has something crazy to pray about. Today, he prayed that I would let him have five cookies and that all of the elephants are happy. He never heard my prayer but if I said mine out loud every day, he would memorize it. It goes like this: “Dear God, please help me find the strength to tell Isaiah about how similar he is to his father. Allow me to show Makai’s love for Isaiah through me. I know You and him are watching over us. Amen.”